Markii ay soo bandhigeen Baska Taxanaha ah ee "Universal" 1996, nin yahow, kuma ay kaftamin. Waxaad ku dhejin kartaa waxyaabo badan godka, waa arrin waqti uun ka hor inta qof uu naftiisa ku xajin karo "khaladka I/O" ee aan habboonayn ee abid. Jahannamo^(Hell) , waxay u badan tahay inay horeba u jirtay gole taas. Si aad u illowdo sawirkaas naxdinta leh, bal eeg kuwan:

1. Gaarigaaga

Sannadkii^(Way) 2005tii, Mazda waxay qaadatay odhaahda xusuusta "furaha" macno ahaan, iyada oo dhisaysa baabuur fikradeed kaas oo shidkiisu  ka dhashay ul xusuusta^{(triggered by a memory stick)} . Baabuurku waxa kale oo uu nuugi karaa jihooyinka wadista ee kombayutarka hagidda oo xitaa ku shubi kara raadiyaha MP3-yada^(MP3s) furaha kala duwan leh. Nasiib darro fikradda lama arag tan iyo markii Mazda Sassou lagu soo bandhigay Bandhigga Motor Frankfurt -^{(Frankfurt Motor Show –)} laga yaabee Mazda waxay xaqiiqsatay in dadka ka dhigaya inay ka fikiraan PC-gooda (iyo ciyaarahooda) ka hor intaysan fadhiisan gadaashiisa taangiga gaariga dhabta ah ma ahayn mid wanaagsan. fikrad.

2. USB Indhaha Diirimaad

Hal-abuur cusub oo sida muuqata ka baxsaday filim cabsi leh, hadda  waxaad kululayn kartaa kubbadaha indhahaaga^{(heat your eyeballs)}  adigoo ku xiraya kombayutarkaga. Dhageyso^(Listen) , Japan , haddii aad filayso in dadku ay ku dheggan elektiroonigga indhahooda waxa fiicnaan lahayd in la sameeyo sawirada 3D ee tartanka Cheerleading Trampoline Championship^{(Cheerleading Trampoline Championships)} . Taas oo^(Which) ah waxa ninka sawirkaas ka muuqda uu arkayo.

Kaaga darane, awooda inaad koronto ku qabato kubbadaha ishaada waxaa lagu xayeysiiyaa inay tahay "nasasho", taasoo cadeyneysa in hentai aysan ahayn waxa ugu xun ee dadka Japan ay ku sameyn karaan waqtigooda firaaqada.

3. Qoob ka ciyaarka Cirifka USB

Qaar baa ku tilmaama isu soo baxyada Nuremburg inay yihiin ereyada ugu xun ee bini'aadmigu isticmaalo. Kuwo kale si xun u adeegsiga qoraalada diinta si ay ugu caddeeyaan nacaybka iyo dagaalka. Laakiin maya, ereyada muujinaya sida ugu xun ee dabeecadda bini'aadamka ayaa ku yaal boggan, halkaas oo ay noo sheegayso in  qoob-ka-cayaarka USB-ga^{(USB Pole Dancer)}  uu soo laabtay "By Demand Popular".

Lixdan doollar oo barabi-jiif ah ayaa ku soo laabtay BAABKA^{(BY POPULAR)} Caanka ah ! Shaygani wuu jiray, ka dibna istaagay, ka dibna dad ku filan ayaa ka codsaday iyaga si ay u bilaabaan wax badan. Waxaan qiyaasi karnaa oo kaliya in milkiilaha warshadu uu ooyay, uu qaatay lacagta, oo uu ku bixinayo boqol kasta oo uu wax ku baro caruurtiisa si ay u galaan barnaamijka hawada sare sababtoo ah meerahan halkan ku yaal waa fuday.

4. Steampunk Mouse

Ma aha wax kasta oo aad ku xidhi karto kombayutarkaagu waa dembi ka dhan ah dhadhanka iyo qaabka. Ninku wuxuu u yaqaanaa "Unklian", kaas oo aan u maleyneyno inuu l33t u hadlo "nin aad u fiican" wuxuu sameeyay alwaax iyo  jiirka steampunk^{(steampunk mouse)} naxaasta  oo run ahaantii shaqeeya. Waa agabka ugu dambeeya ee uumi-processor-ka (waxaan maqalnaa inaad sidoo kale ku wadi karto capacitors qulqulka walxaha), oo haddii aad u malaynayso in dhismuhu qaadanayo hurumar, qiyaas waxa ay tahay in la isticmaalo. Tiknoolajiyada^(Steam) uumiga ayaa laga yaabaa inay lahayd sifooyin farsamo oo badan oo cajiib ah, laakiin ergonomy ma ahayn mid iyaga ka mid ah.

5. Flash Drive-ka ugu yar

ATP Electronics waxay u malaynaysay inay gaadhay meeshii ugu dambaysay ee darawallada USB-ga^(USB) yar sannado ka hor, iyagoo dhisaya  1GB aad u yar^{(1GB so tiny)}  oo haddii ay hesho wax yar ay ka soo dhacayso godka. Shaki la'aan^(Doubtless) kicinta dib-u-celinta ceebta leh ee nooca macaamilka ee ku faraxsan wax noocan oo kale ah.

Laakiin haddii ay jirto hal shay oo tignoolajiyada kombuyuutarku ay ku fiican yihiin, waxay riixaysaa baqshadda dariiqa hore ee ay jirto adeeg boostada, miyir-qabka ama sabab kasta oo loo joogo: horay u soco  KingMax Super Stick . Super Stick - ku wuxuu jabiyay xannibaadda cabbirka isagoo garwaaqsaday “Hell, uma baahna dekedda USB oo dhan . ” La-talinta dhimirka^{(” Psychiatric)} ka dib marka la ogaado in aqoonta noloshaada oo dhan lagu kaydin karo qalab ka yar ciddidaada farahaaga oo aan lagu darin.

6. Kubadda Bowling ee USB

Dhammaadka ka soo horjeeda cabbirka, dareenka iyo miyir-qabka spectra waa  USB Bowling Ball Drive . Waxa uu culeyskiisu yahay todobo kiilogaram, taasoo la macno ah in si ay ula jaanqaado Super Stick - ka ay ku qasban tahay in ay kaydiso xog ka badan maktabadda cabbirka caalamka. Isla marka aad ku xidhid kombayutarkaga waxa ay kala badh jebin doontaa Motherboard-ka ka hor inta aanu ku dhicin suulashaada. Weyn oo^(Big) ammaan ah!

7. Universal Swiss Army Mindi

Waad ogeyd inay ahayd inay dhacdo - mindida cas ee weyn oo leh wax kasta oo aad u baahan tahay, iyo waxyaabo badan oo muuqaal ah oo aanad samayn, ayaa  kor loogu qaaday qaab elektaroonig ah^{(upgraded electronically)}  oo ay ku jirto 2 GB oo usha xusuusta ah. Loo hagaajiyay badbaadaha xafiiska casriga ah, waxa kale oo ka mid ah tilmaame layser ah, qalin bar-balleed ah iyo dhawr biibiile. Sida cad^(Clearly) , shirarka guddiga ee Ciidanka^(Army) Swiss ayaa aad uga xiiso badan kuwayada.

Laakin haddii aadan arki karin dhibka ku jira xiridda shay ka kooban 50% goynta cidhifyada iyada oo loo marayo gariiradaha cyber-spaghetti ee ku dhuunta miiska casriga ah gadaasha, ka dibna u dhaqaaq si aad u hesho godad aan la qaadin, markaa waxaan kugula talineynaa inaad akhrido inta soo hartay. ee maqaalkan si degdeg ah ka hor inta aadan jebin your computer.

8. USB Web Server

Waxay si sax ah u qabataa waxa cinwaanku leeyahay - ul yar oo xusuusta ah kaas oo ka soo saari kara  nidaamka adeegga shabakadda ee^{(launch a web-serving system)}  dekedda USB , iyo sababta kaliya ee aadan u arkin tan loo isticmaalo filimada xitaa Hollywood uma maleynayo in kombiyuutarradu ay sidaas samayn karaan. . Dhab ahaan sababta aad ugu baahan tahay inaad dejiso goob uu adduunku arki karo oo leh lixdan ilbiriqsi oo keliya digniin oo aan qalab culusi aanu caddayn, laakiin waxa ku lug leh:

a) Ka soo cararka RIAA
b) Ku socodsiinta goobta lulataaye ee dhismayaasha taariikhiga ah
c) U beddelashada caajiska xaddidan ee gelista xaddidan "kumbuyuutarrada sharafta leh" oo loo beddelo shabakad caalami ah oo wadaaga dhacdooyinka Battlestar Galactica .

Mid kastoo ay tahay, sii wad!

9. Malaayiin^(Millions) Brewster (oo kilobytes ah)

Haddii Server-ka USB^{(USB Server)} uu wax yar adiga kugu yahay “dhab ahaantii wax ku ool ah”, markaa bal eeg!

Cadeymo adag oo sheegaya in dadka qaar lacag lagala wareego oo kaliya danta guud. Soo saaraha xusuusta ee ^(Memory)White Lake ayaa dhisay saddex iyo badh kun oo doolar  oo dahab ah iyo furaha xusuusta dheeman^{(gold and diamond memory key)} , iyo haddii qof uun u arko dhibaato inuu dahaadho qalabka elektaroonigga ah ee ugu khasaaraha badan ee jira oo leh afar-tiro oo dahab ah, White Lake ma hubo. kiraystaan. Shuruudaha gelitaanka kale ee Kooxda Nakhshadeynta WL^{(WL Design Team)} waxaa ka mid ah dhadhan la'aan, karti la'aanta in lagu naco qashinka waxsoosaarka, iyo IQ ka hooseeya heerka canshuurtaada.

Marnaba ha ka fikirin xaqiiqda ah in aad bixin karto raxan dad ah si ay ugu qaataan 3.5 "floppy midkiiba wax ka yar.

10. USB Hamster Wheel

Haddi cubicle-ka iyo kiiboodhkaagu ku dareensiin waayaan in kugu filan sidii xayawaan ku jira taayir aan macno lahayn, kor u qaad barbar-dhigga cabbirada naxdinta leh ee  hamster-ka USB-ga ^{(USB hamster )} oo ku jeesjeesaya ilbiriqsi kasta oo ka mid ah jiritaankaaga macno-darrada ah - oo ay ku bixiso oo ay ku tamarto dadaalkaaga aan mira dhalka lahayn! Hamsterku^(Kafka) waxa uu ku xidhan yahay kiiboodhkaga,waxa uu si dhaqsiyo badan u ordayaa sida ugu dhaqsaha badan ee aad ugu liidayso kiiboodhka

Xitaa waxaa ka sii daran, goobta ayaa shayga u taxday sida "la iibiyay". Dadku waxay iibsanayaan kuwan, iyo haddii aad u baahan tahay inaad qaadato hal daqiiqo si aad u lumiso iimaanka noocyada, waan fahamsanahay. Qof kasta oo ku bixin kara kontan doollar axdigan axmaqnimadiisa waa inuusan midna haysan. Waa inay haystaan ​​nooc ka mid ah xadhigga USB^(USB) si ay ugu xidhaan miiskooda oo ay uga fogaadaan dariiqa aadanaha dhabta ah.

11. Gantaallaha Laser-ka hagaya

Ma ogtahay sida Terminators - ku ku bilowdeen? Waxaa sabab u ah waxyaabahan oo kale. “ Haye^(Hey) nimanyahow, aynu dhisno  gantaalaha ridada^{(missile launcher)} ! Kadibna ku xidh kombayutarka! Ka dibna ku hubee habka bartilmaameedka laysarka! Ka dibna u dhig xafiis rayid ah oo caadi ah halkaas oo lagu tabobaro si loo toogto bini'aadamka!" Waa rabitaanka cajiibka ah laakiin aragti-gaaban in lagu sii daro sifooyin dheeraad ah, haddii ay wax macno ah ku samaynayaan qorshaha asalka ah iyo haddii kale. Xaaladdan oo kale, qorshaha asalka ah wuxuu ahaa "Aynu u dhisno xafiiska ciyaar xiiso leh oo fudud oo aan loo isticmaali karin dadka indhoolayaasha!" Waan jecelnahay si kastaba ha ahaatee…

12. Barbie USB Drive

Ma rabtaa inaad si joogto ah u nabarto carruurta nolosha? U^(Look) ekaa qallooc ba'an oo xafiiska jooga? Mise waxaa laga yaabaa inaad u maleyso in David Lynch uusan saameyn ku yeelan howlahaaga xisaabinta maalinlaha ah intii uu heli karay? Mid kasta oo ay tahay, waxaad u baahan doontaa mid ka mid ah kuwan  Barbie USB drives  - oo ay ku mahadsan tahay mucjisooyinka hanti-wadaaga waxaad heli kartaa waxaad rabto halkii aad ka heli lahayd waxaad u baahan tahay (daaweynta, iyo nooc ka mid ah koorsada dib-u-cusboonaysiinta ee ay dawladdu kafaalo-qaadday sida "Deapititation Horrific - waa dhab ahaantii waa shay xun")

13. Ashtray aan qiiq lahayn

Mid ka mid ah tusaalooyinka ugu niyadsan ee xayaysiisyada ee aan waligeen aragnay,  goobtani waxay ku^{(this site)}  andacoonaysaa in dambaska USB- gaagu uu "Sareeyn doono Sigaar cabbista sirta ah^{(Make Secret Smoking Easier)} !" Sababtoo ah ma jiro wax sir ah oo sheegaya taageere weyn oo qeylinaya oo ku hubeysan nalalka LEDs ee biligleynaya oo ku xiran kumbuyuutarkaaga oo qiiqa uraya. Waxay yiraahdeen waxay ku fiicnaan doontaa agagaarka xafiiska, taas oo farsamo ahaan run ah haddii aad iibsato mid ka dibna samee adapters waxaad u baahan doontaa inaad ku xirto ka dib markaad ku soo noqoto 1950, markii ugu dambeysay ee laguu ogolaado inaad sigaar ku cabto xafiiska. Laakiin ma laga yaabaa inaan soo jeedinno inaan soo celinno nuqul ka mid ah Grey's Sports Almanac beddelkeeda - ka dib, waa maxay waxa ugu xun ee dhici kara?

14. USB Aquarium

Si fudud ma^(Are) kuu soo galaan walxo dhaq-dhaqaaq aan caddayn? Lacag ma haysaa? Kadib hambalyo, waxaad tahay bisad haysta kaarka deynta ama suuqa bartilmaameedka ee  USB Mini Aquarium . Qalabkani waxa uu keenayaa halxiraale - sidee naqshadeeyayaashu u dhisi karaan oo u suuqgeyn karaan alaab si cad loogu talagalay in lagu xiro kombuyuutar iyada oo aan waligood la maqal "screensavers". Waxa ay la mid tahay in aad isku daydo in aad iibiso phonogram ka shaqaynta saacada ee uu ku shaqeeyo iPod-ku-nooca dib u dhaca xiisaha leh, laakiin ka dib-dhac badan marka loo eego jacaylka. Haddii aad taqaan qof kuwaan ka mid ah, nidaamka ay dowladdu ansixisay ayaa ah in si tartiib tartiib ah looga noqdo iyada oo aan la isticmaalin ereyo waaweyn oo keeni kara jahawareer iyo xanaaq.

15. Nambarka Quful USB Drive

Dad aad iyo aad u tiro badan ayaa
a) ka warqaba baahida loo qabo amniga xogta muhiimka ah
b) iyagoo ku hoos jira dhalanteedka naxariis darrada ah in xogtoodu ay muhiim tahay.

Ilaa aad ka shaqeyso Lambarka Bulshada^{(Social Security)} ama shay leh macluumaadka kaararka deynta, celceliska cyber-crook wuxuu leeyahay xiiso badan oo ku saabsan tusahaaga sawirada qoyska iyo sidoo kale, qof kasta oo kale oo aad ku qasbeyso inaad eegto iyaga. Waan ka xumahay taas. Ka faa'iidaysiga egon khaldan waa kan si xun loogu magac daray " Morse Code flash drive ", kaas oo aan lahayn dhibco ama dhibicyo. Waa furaha lambarrada kaas oo ka hortagaya in darawalkaaga la akhriyo ilaa koodka saxda ah laga galo - in kastoo inta ay qaadanayso qallooca dhabta ah si looga gudbo cabbirkan dhibka-kaliya waxay u badan tahay in lagu cabbiro ilbiriqsiyo gudahood. Haddii uu indhaha ka daboolay. Oo sakhraansan.

Haddii aad rabto badbaado dhab ah, waxaan kugula talineynaa inaad ku qaadato hareeraha KingMax super stick ee carrabkaaga hoostiisa, adoo isticmaalaya kubbadda bowling-ka ee USB (dhab ahaantii aan la soo qaadi karin!), Ama ku tiirsanaanta cabsida weyn ee Barbie USB^{(USB Barbie)} si looga hortago tuugada.

16. Suulka Dhabta Ah

Wadaadka  suulka^{(thumb drive)}  ayaa ka dhigaya mid rasmi ah: waxaa jira nooc ku dhiirada Japan si loogu dhiso ul USB ah magac kasta oo jira. ^(USB)Ma dhihi karno suulka USB waa heshiis wanaagsan: qiimaha kaftanku wuxuu qaataa ku dhawaad ​​hal ilbiriqsi (laga yaabee hal saac haddii aad tahay taageere saaxiibo^(Friends) xilli dambe ), halka USB-ga^(USB) gaarka ah loo isticmaalo maalin kasta. Ilaa aad jidka ku jirto mooyaane, sidoo kale galay filimada Saw ma arki karno adiga oo tan aad ugu raaxaysanaya.

17. Afayeennada dheriga ubaxa

Waxaan kuu sheegnay in ay jirto dhiirranaan. Tani waa meesha ugu sarraysa ee dhabta ah ee kombuyuutarrada Jabbaan - gebi ahaanba macno la'aan, kaliya saddex kelmadood oo Ingiriis ah oo ku yaal bogga alaabta oo dhan, mid ka mid ahna waa khalad. Waxaan u maleyneynaa inay u socdaan "dhari" halkaas, in kasta oo laga soo qaado wax kasta oo ku saabsan hababka fekerka ee dadka dhisi doona kuwa sameeya buuq-sameeyayaasha ubaxa ee korontada ku shaqeeya waa soo jeedin khatar ah.

Ubaxa beenta ah^{(fake flower)} ee nacasnimada  ah  xitaa uma dheelo si xanaaq leh muusigayada ama wax kasta. Waan ka xunahay^(Sorry) , Japan , laakiin waxaan haynaa HEERARKA KHASAARIYADA aadka u xun ee kheyraadka, lacagta iyo tignoolajiyada dalkan!

18. Raadaarka Ruuxa

Talaabada 1: Soo hel qayb suuq ah oo dad aad loo aamini karo
Talaabada 2: Qaado lacagtooda

Marka qof uu naftiisa ku qanciyo in ruuxa aan dhimanin ay si aan muuqan u dhex qulqulayaan qolka oo ay daawadaan iyaga oo qoraya, ka dhigista inay rumaystaan  ​​​​konton senti oo LEDs ah^{(fifty cents of LEDs)}  inay ku raacsan yihiin iyaga waa wax laga xishoodo. Waxaan jeclaan lahayn inaan ku majaajiloonno qalabkan si adag, laakiin runtii aad ayaanu uga xanaaqnay markii hore kamaanu fikirin.

19. Mini Talaajad

Weligaa ma ka cabatay inaad dhab ahaantii ka soo lugayso kombayutarkaaga oo aad talaajad ku jirto si aad u hesho milyan kalori oo biyo sonkor ah? Hadday sidaas tahay waa inaanaan kuu fududayn inaad iska ilaaliso jimicsiga sababtoo ah waxaa jirta boqolkiiba konton fursada inaad horeba u noqoto mid wareegsan. Laakin waxa aanu haynaa waajibaad ka warbixinta qalabaynta, in aan wax ka qabano, umana ogolaan doono wax aan waxtar lahayn marka uu wadno xanuunkaaga soo socdaa naga horyimaado!

Talaajadaha yar yar ee  Brando^{(Brando mini fridge)}  ayaa kuu hayn doona mid ku qaboojin kara wakhti kasta. Marka arrimuhu ku kululaadaan Molten Core , ha ka welwelin AFKing ama ka tag kooxdaada oo aan buuq lahayn - kumbuyuutarkaagu wuxuu lahaan doonaa qaboojin qabow oo diyaar ah. (DIGNIIN: Musqulaha USB wali suurtagal ma aha, marka isticmaalka talaajaddan kaliya waxay dammaanad qaadaysaa inaad ugu dambeyntii kacdo)

20. Maaskarada Hawada ee USB

Waxaa laga yaabaa inaad taqaan dadka qaarkood oo aan noolaan karin kombayuutarkooda la'aanteed, laakiin waxaan shaki ka qabnaa in midkoodna uu ku xiray sahayda hawada iyo waxyaabaha xunxun. Maaskarada manka -  ka-hortagga ee USB-ku shaqeeya^{(USB-powered anti-pollen mask)}  waxaa loogu talagalay xilliga xasaasiyadda - waxaa laga yaabaa inaad ka garanayso maaskaro la mid ah, oo aan koronto ahayn oo aan kugu dhejinaynin miiskaaga sida nooc ka mid ah xayawaannada hilibka ah ee mishiinnada. Nidaamku xitaa wuxuu leeyahay xannibaado, marka aad u baahan tahay inaad si culus u neefsato kombuyutarkaaga. Kaliya^(Just) xasuuso inaad tirtirto taariikhda browserka ka dib.

Kooras cusub oo ku saabsan sababta ku aaminida sahayda ogsijiinta mashiinka waa fikrad xun, waxaan kugula talineynaa inaad daawato 2001 ama aad ka fikirto kaliya dhowr ilbiriqsi.

20 Things You Didn’t Know You Could Stick In Your USB Socket

When they introduced thе “Universal” Serial Bus in 1996, man, they weren’t kiddіng. You can stick so many thingѕ into the soсket it’s only a matter of time before somebody electrocutes himsеlf with the most eroticallу inappropriаte “I/O Error” оf all time. Hell, there’s probably alreаdy a forum for that. To help you forget that horrific image, have a look at these іnstead:

1. Your Car

Way back in 2005, a Mazda took the phrase memory “key” literally, building a concept car whose ignition was triggered by a memory stick. The car could also suck driving directions into the navigation computer and even load the radio with MP3s from the versatile starter switch. Unfortunately the concept hasn’t been seen since the Mazda Sassou was shown at the Frankfurt Motor Show – perhaps Mazda realised that making people think of their PC (and their games) before sitting behind the wheel of a real car wasn’t such a good idea.

2. USB Eye Warmer

In an innovation that apparently escaped from a horror movie, you can now heat your eyeballs by connecting them to your PC. Listen, Japan, if you expect people to stick electrodes over their eyes it had better be in order to render 3D images of the competitive Cheerleading Trampoline Championships. Which is what the guy in that photo seems to be seeing.

Worse, the ability to electrocute your own eyeballs is advertised as “relaxing”, thereby proving that hentai isn’t the worst thing Japanese people can do with their spare time.

3. USB Pole Dancer

Some point to the Nuremburg rallies as the worst use of words by mankind. Others to the misuse of religious texts to justify hatred and war. But no, the words that show the absolute worst in human nature are on this website, where it tells us that the USB Pole Dancer is back “By Popular Demand”.

A sixty dollar gyrating barbie is back BY POPULAR DEMAND! This thing existed, then stopped, then enough people requested them for them to start making more. We can only imagine that the factory owner wept, took the money, and is spending every cent educating his children to get into the space program because this planet right here is fucked.

4. Steampunk Mouse

Not everything you can plug into your computer is an offense against taste and style. A man know only as “Unklian”, which we presume is l33t speak for “awesomely cool guy” crafted a wood and brass steampunk mouse that actually works. It’s the ultimate accessory for a steam-processor (we hear you can run flux capacitors on the stuff too), and if you think the construction takes dedication, imagine what it’s like to use it. Steam technology may have had many awesome mechanical properties, but ergonomy wasn’t one of them.

5. The Littlest Flash Drive

ATP Electronics thought they’d reached the ultimate point of in tiny USB drives years ago, building a 1GB so tiny that if it got any smaller it would fall out of the socket. Doubtless triggering embarrassing flashbacks in the kind of customer who gets excited about this kind of thing.

But if there’s one thing computer technologists excel at, it’s pushing the envelope way past where there’s any postal service, sanity or any reason to be there: step forward the KingMax Super Stick. The Super Stick broke the size barrier by realising “Hell, they don’t need the whole USB port.” Psychiatric counselling after the realisation that your entire life’s knowledge can be stored an a device smaller than your fingernail not included.

6. The USB Bowling Ball

At the opposite end of the size, sense and sanity spectra is the USB Bowling Ball drive. It weighs seven kilograms, meaning that to stay proportional with the Super Stick it would have to store more data than a library the size of the universe. And the instant you connect it to your computer it will break your motherboard in half before falling on your toe. Big AND secure!

7. Universal Swiss Army Knife

You knew it had to happen – the big red knife that has everything you need, and several odd looking things you don’t, has upgraded electronically to include a 2 GB memory stick. Tuned for the modern office survivor, it also includes a laser pointer, a ballpoint pen and several cutting blades. Clearly, board meetings in the Swiss Army are significantly more exciting than ours.

But if you can’t see the problem with jamming an object composed of 50% cutting edges through the coils of cyber-spaghetti that lurk behind a modern desktop, then wiggling it around to find an untaken socket, then we recommend you read the rest of this article quickly before you break your computer.

8. USB Web Server

It does exactly what the title says – a tiny memory stick which can launch a web-serving system from a USB port, and the only reason you haven’t seen this used in the movies is even Hollywood doesn’t think computers can do that. Exactly why you need to set up a site viewable by the world with only sixty seconds warning and no heavy equipment is unclear, but could involve:

a) Being on the run from the RIAA
b) Running a guerilla porn site from historic public buildings
c) Turning boring access-limited “courtesy computers” into a global network sharing Battlestar Galactica episodes.

Whichever it is, keep it up!

9. Brewster’s Millions (of kilobytes)

If the USB Server is a little too “actually practical” for you, then behold!

Compelling evidence that money should just be confiscated from some people for the public good. Memory manufacturer White Lake have built a three and a half thousand dollar gold and diamond memory key, and if anybody sees a problem with coating the single most losable piece of electronics in existence with four-figures worth of jewelry, White Lake sure didn’t hire them. Other entrance requirements for the WL Design Team include an absolute lack of taste, an inability to be disgusted with profligate waste, and an IQ lower than your tax rate.

Never mind the fact that you could pay a procession of people to carry a 3.5″ floppy each for less.

10. USB Hamster Wheel

If your cubicle and keyboard don’t make you feel enough like an animal in a pointless wheel, raise the parallel to horrifying proportions with a USB hamster mocking every second of your pointless existence – paid for and powered by your own fruitless efforts! The hamster is connected to your keyboard, runs faster the quicker you flail at the keyboard, and is the sort of thing Kafka would invent after a particularly depressing night on the absinthe.

Even worse, the site lists the item as “sold out”. People are buying these, and if you need to take a minute to lose faith in the species, we understand. Anyone who can spend fifty dollars on this testament to their own worthlessness shouldn’t have one. They should have some kind of USB leash to keep them tethered to their desk and out of the way of the real humans.

11. Laser Guided Rocket Launcher

You know how the Terminators got started? It’s because of stuff like this. “Hey guys, let’s build a missile launcher! Then connect it to a computer! Then arm it with a laser targeting system! Then put it in a regular civilian office where it’ll be trained to shoot at fleshy humans!” It’s the awesome but short-sighted urge to keep adding more features, whether they make any sense under the original plan or not. In this case, the original plan being “Let’s build a fun and light hearted toy for the office that CAN”T be used to blind people!” We love it nevertheless…

12. Barbie USB Drive

Do you want to permanently scar children for life? Look like a creepy pervert in the office? Or maybe just think David Lynch hasn’t affected your daily computing tasks as much as he could have? Whichever it is you’ll want one of these Barbie USB drives – and thanks to the miracles of capitalism you can get what you want instead of what you need (therapy, and some kind of state-sponsored refresher course like “Horrific Decapitation – it’s actually a BAD thing”)

13. Smokeless Ashtray

In one of the most optimistic examples of advertising we’ve ever seen, this site claims that your USB ashtray will “Make Secret Smoking Easier!” Because nothing says secrecy than a large whining fan armed with blinking LEDs hooked up to your computer and stinking of smoke. They say it’ll be great around the office, which is technically true if you buy one and then make the adapters you’ll need to plug it in after returning to 1950, the last time you were actually allowed to smoke in an office. But may we suggest bringing back a copy of Grey’s Sports Almanac instead – after all, what’s the worst that could happen?

14. USB Aquarium

Are you easily entranced by vaguely moving objects? Do you have money? Then congratulations, you’re either a cat with a credit card or the target market for the USB Mini Aquarium. This device poses a puzzle – how could the designers build and market a product explicitly intended to be connected to a computer without ever hearing of “screensavers”. It’s like trying to sell a clockwork phonogram powered by an iPod connection – sort of endearingly retarded, but more retarded than endearing. Should you know anyone with one of these, government-approved procedure is to back away slowly without using any big words which may drive them to confusion and rage.

15. Number Locked USB Drive

More and more people are
a) aware of the need for security for important data
b) under the cruel illusion that their data is important

Unless you work for Social Security or something with credit card information, the average cyber-crook has about as much interest in your directory of family photos as, well, everyone else you force to look at them. Sorry about that. Capitalizing on this misplaced ego is the wildly misnamed “Morse Code flash drive“, which doesn’t have a drip of dots or dashes. It’s just a numeric keypad which prevents your drive from being read until the correct code is entered – though how long it would take a real crook to bypass this hassle-only measure could likely be measured in seconds. If he was blindfolded. And drunk.

If you want real security, we recommend carrying around the KingMax super stick under your tongue, using the USB bowling ball (utterly unpickpocketable!), or relying on the sheer horror of the USB Barbie to deter thieves.

16. The Real Thumb Drive

The thumb drive makes it official: there is some kind of dare in Japan to build a USB stick into every singe noun in existence. We can’t say the USB thumb is a good deal: the humor value lasts approximately one second (maybe one hour if you’re a later-season Friends fan), while a personal USB drive is used daily. Unless you’re way, way too into the Saw movies we can’t see you enjoying this that much.

17. Flower Pot Speakers

We told you there was a dare. This is a true pinnacle of Japanese computer crappery – utterly pointless, only three words of english on the entire product page, and one of them is wrong. We’re assuming they were going for “pot” there, though assuming anything about the thought processes of people who’ll build electrified fake-flower noisemakers is a risky proposition.

The stupid fake flower doesn’t even dance annoyingly to our music or anything. Sorry, Japan, but we have STANDARDS for our horrific wastes of resources, money and technology in this country!

18. Ghost Radar

Step 1: Find a market sector of extremely gullible people
Step 2: Take their money

Once somebody has convinced themselves that undead spirits are flitting invisibly through the room and watching them type, getting them to believe fifty cents of LEDs agrees with them is embarrassingly easy. We’d like to mock this device harder, but we’re genuinely upset we didn’t think of it first.

19. Mini Fridge

Have you ever complained about actually having to walk from your computer to the fridge to get more million calorie sugar water? If so we shouldn’t be making it easier for you to avoid exercise as there’s a fifty per cent chance you’re spherical already. But we’ve got gadget-reporting duty to do, dammit, and we won’t let anything as inconsequential as your imminent heart attack get in our way!

The Brando mini fridge will keep one can cool for you at all times. When things are heating up in Molten Core, don’t worry about AFKing or leaving your group unbuffed – your computer will have cold refreshment ready. (WARNING: USB toilets are not yet possible, so using this fridge only guarantees you’ll have to get up eventually)

20. USB Air Mask

You might know some people who couldn’t live without their computer, but we doubt any of them have connected the air supply to the damn things. This USB-powered anti-pollen mask is designed for the allergy season – you might recognise it from similar, non-electrical masks that don’t keep you leashed to your desktop like some kind of fleshy pet of the machines. The system even has a throttle, for when you need to breathe extra-heavily at your computer. Just remember to clear the browser history afterwards.

For a refresher course on why entrusting your oxygen supply to a machine is a bad idea, we recommend watching 2001 or just thinking for a couple of seconds.

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